How to deal with auditors?

I have been dealing with Auditors for the past few auditors. Here are some of the more effective ways in dealing with them.

1. Play the ignorance card

Try to act really stupid like you had no idea about what was going on.

Common phrases:

i) Really... Ahh...
ii) I see... I did not know you needed that.
iii) Sure, I will have it to you by the end of the day.

2. Tai-ti

This is very useful when they contest you on your findings/workings. My favourite and most effective: "What do you think?". Keep it simple and stupid.

3. Anger

They ask you stupid questions. Make sure you scold them because this will mean they will probably be discouraged from asking the right questions too.

4. Bargaining Chip

Try to ensure that if they ask you to do something easy but at the last minute, wriggle out of some difficult requirement. This needs tactical nous. There are some items they can let fly.

5. Befriend them but try to keep the upper hand

They are humans too. And they really are able to help. Sometimes. Make sure you use them carefully and they may assist in your work and might even get things done your way.